Well I made it through my official Saturn Return (September 5-12th), marking Saturn's complete orbit around the sun and back to the exact position it was in on the day I was born. And so, I suppose I am beginning again, starting anew as Saturn tirelessly begins it's second go-round. In some ways, I do feel like a new chapter has started in my life. Chapter 2? They say Scorpios always have three main chapters in their lives. The number three has always felt significant to me actually. I can't explain why, but it just intuitively seems significant.
For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about Q tonight. I actually wrote a song that he sort of inspired. Well, actually, it's a song about all of the suicides (and suicide attempts) which have touched my life in some way. The song flew out of me, as if I didn't even write it. I still have work to do on it, but the main sentiment is there already. I view this song as therapy for ME, rather than something I would put out into the public. It is graphic because I think I needed it to be. I needed to get up close to these suicides and see them exactly as they were - gruesome, sad, messy and in some ways, peaceful. I also needed to figure out my role in each of the suicides and how they affected me and I affected (or rather, did not have any affect on) them. Suiciders always distance themselves from people, so you often don't even know how deeply they are feeling their lives. I go back an forth between being a victim to being a rescuer - both in my own life as well as in theirs. Here are the lyrics as they stand now:
He held a gun up to his head
He said, "If this is life, I'd rather be dead."
He pulled the trigger and fell to the floor
And then his life existed no more.
I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If i knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?
She was always good with words
Most popular and most adored
Then she popped a pill or three
Never woke up from her dream.
I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?
He held his breath for a while
Walked to the edge and jumped with a smile
Forty-four floors on his way down
Finally free, bones crushing on the ground
I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?
(break)
Now I'm on the kitchen floor
Needing less, but wanting more
Searching for some strength within
I've had enough, but I won't give in
I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, 'cause
If I knew, if I knew I would have saved you
No I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?
I hope you're at peace now.
I think you're at peace now.
I feel you're at peace now.
I know you're at peace now.
So, there it is. I don't usually share my songs with anyone, not even the anonymous people of the internet. I actually think I need/want to change this though. I am sick of hiding my songs. I am sick of holding back. I'm almost thirty and I've been dreaming about writing and recording songs since I was seven! It's time to be brave. I was thinking today that I should take another songwriting class, just to work on getting more comfortable presenting my songs in front of others, and of course, working on finishing those songs that are stubbborn about being finished. I don't really have time to add another thing in to my crazy schedule, but if I don't make room for songwriting in my life, I feel that I will whither.
And perhaps this is the biggest lesson of Saturn returning to me. It is whispering messages as we pass in the night - reminding me of how important it is to express all of who I am to the world and honoring every part of me, from the artist, to the healer, to the counselor. They are all me. We are intertwined and inseperable. I may have left the record industry as an employee, but my soul has always been inside the music, just as music has always been inside my soul. I am many things, not just one or even two. We learn, we build, we expand and we grow. And it is not by staying in the same place. It is by exploring paths that scare us, driving along scenic routes and taking unexpected journeys. I grew up with parents who made me feel as if I had choose one thing and stick with it, but why not choose many things and let them drift in and out of your life naturally and dynamically? Life is not straight-forward or simple. It is anything but. I was told by my two accountant parents that one plus one always equals two, and that all problems have solutions. This is a nice idea, but what if we can allow ourselves to live somewhere in the middle where not everything has to make sense - where ambiguity can actually feed the soul rather than pick away at it. If life is paradoxical, why not allow it to be without trying to squeeze it into a box shaped the way you think it should be shaped? These are the lessons my twenties have taught me. And as Saturn makes it departure back out into the darkness again, I too am being pulled out into the unknown - into places and spaces I never expected to go or see, but which, at the same time, feel so neccessary and important.
I have no idea who is steering the crazy ship that I am on right now, but it does at least feel like there's a captain somewhere. I don't feel as though I am drifting, but even if I am, maybe that's the point of all of this - to be ok with letting go and just seeing where life takes you. Easier said than done, I'm afraid, but at least I can tap into this idea every once in a while.
And on that note, I should try to sleep. It's 3am and my insomnia appears to be in high gear. Here's to drifting...
Pandora
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Pushing Pause
Right now, all I want to do is to be able to push pause on my life so I can just have some time to figure out what to do next. Life is moving so fast that it makes me want to scream. It's like being on the very top of that first, highest peak of a roller coaster just as it starts to lean forward into the deep dip below. It's exciting, it's terrifying, it's life...and there's no stopping this ride now.
Everything is on rush, fast-forward, high-speed. I will be 30 years old in exactly two months and I feel like I still have so much to do...so much to accomplish, so many things to figure out.
Yesterday I had a huge breakdown - the kind where you can't control the sobbing because it is coming out of you at a raging pace. I felt like an emotional hurricane swept through me and wreaked havoc before slowing fading back out again. I actually had a moment of wanting out. I thought about the Ambien and Klonopin in my drawer. I thought about giving up. And then I thought about Q and my family and I begged God not to let me do it. I decided to reach out and call my mom instead. She said all of the wrong things and all of the right things all at once in that way that only moms can do. If I ever have any success in counseling, it will be because of her.
Which brings me to point #1:
I'm still trying to figure out if counseling is what I want to do or if the program I am in is the right one for me. I'm trying to reconcile my past life in the music business with this new me who I am not quite sure came into being. Who am I? What am I doing? And where am I going? I literally feel as if life itself has been trying to push me out of the music industry, as if it's the wrong path - not my destiny. So what is my destiny, my dharma?
I feel as though I can't go back to the record business, at least not as an employee. It's devastatingly sad actually. I spent ten years of my life paying "dues" for something I only went on to leave. But I just feel like I've changed in such a way that it would honestly be impossible to go back to what I used to do and who I used to be. Not that I have changed so dramatically as a person, but I've been shown a different side of life that doesn't fit with my old version of it. A door was opened for me and I walked through it, not realizing that I would forever be changed. I am luminary right now. Is that the right word? A person who is between two worlds - not belonging to one or the other. I am in transition. I am the space between words - the moment after a sentence has been spoken and the other has yet to be said.
Yeah, I know, too many metaphors. I'll stop now, but the bottom line is that I am questioning everything right now. Which leads me back to the title of this entry. I don't want it to all keep rushing forward, but I also don't want it to stop. I just want to be able to pause for a moment and reflect on what makes the most sense. The thing is, life, I've learned, never makes sense looking forward. It is only looking backward that it appears to have some sort of pattern - a path carved out much the same way a river carves it's own path in the earth - winding, bending, unpredictable, but with purpose, conviction and knowing that it is going exactly the way it should be.
I can't decide if going back to school has been my convenient way of not having a full-time job, or if it really is what I want to do. I love the learning, but what about the doing? Will I like BEING a counselor, or do I just like learning about the techniques and working on my own shit?
I actually started seeing a new therapist this week. She is completely different from Dolores and even works in a way that is completely different from the way that I am being trained. She went to the University of Santa Monica where she learned Spiritual Counseling Psychology. It was weird to me that she didn't want more info about my biosocialpsych history, but we delved directly into counseling and within half an hour I felt my emotions all bubbling to the surface. I felt it was time to start dealing with R (my ex from 6 years ago who 's break up with me has had a profound effect on all of my subsequent "relationships" since him). I know that I need to deal with my feelings of worthlessness related to R and men in general and seeing a therapist with a spiritual slant feels much more holistic to me than a straight up psycho-dynamic therapist. Maybe her path will end up being one that I can follow, parallel or mirror in some way. We shall see...
Of course I want to deal with my issues related to career as well and I'm sure those will be popping up sooner rather than later. Primary among my concerns is...
POINT #2:
Do I want to pursue songwriting? And if yes, why have I not/am I not doing so? And if no, then why am I still obsessing about it. I need to figure out what being a "songwriter" means to me. Is it actually about being a recording artist? Or is it about writing a hit song for another person to sing? Or is it both? And how do I focus on songwriting and counseling at the same time? And where is this all leading me?
There are so many options and alternatives, but I suppose one doesn't have to choose anything. You just live your life, day by day, moment by moment, one step at a time. Such a strange concept to grasp but it is true. I think I also want to work on my vision board. I was thinking about starting a brand new one. Condensing and focusing it, taking off those things which no longer feel appropriate. But perhaps everything still is appropriate. I just need to give myself the time to work on it. I'm really attempting to devise a schedule for myself that not only incorporates my school work, but one that has carved out time for my creativity, spirituality and health. These are very important facets of my life and ones which I know that I cannot ignore without moving into deep states of depression.
My homework for my therapist for this week was two-fold: 1) create a "Joy List" - recording all of those things which bring me joy (seems simple, but it was actually a challenge for me and 2) write out an "Acknowledgement List" every day where I acknowledge myself for at least three things. This is to work on my "I'm good enough" muscle which has grown week and atrophied over the years, probably both as a result of my family upbringing, and my breakups with R & E and semi-break ups with crushes, J & K. The truth is, I often feel pretty shitty about myself and sometimes even think that I am so repulsive that no guy would ever want to be with me for long periods of time. It makes me sad when I hear myself say this, but it's a voice in my head that often takes precedent over all other voices - even the logical ones. I also want to incorporate these things into my gratitude journal (which is inactive at the moment) and my Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love) suggestions which consist of recording your favorite moment of the day in which you felt most alive, and your completion to the sentence: "Today I really, really, really want..."
All of these concepts are about re-shifting the focus in your thoughts, your observations and thereby your experiences.
Maybe I will start a new journal for these things this week. Starting fresh is something I am quite drawn to I suppose. And when I can't start fresh, I at least like to push pause so that I can gather my thoughts and come up with solutions to some of my problems. But alas, pushing pause is not an option in life is it? So I must just keep going, doing the best I can and working on my "I'm good enough" muscle. Life is a process. And as my drama therapy teacher always says, "Stay curious."
Everything is on rush, fast-forward, high-speed. I will be 30 years old in exactly two months and I feel like I still have so much to do...so much to accomplish, so many things to figure out.
Yesterday I had a huge breakdown - the kind where you can't control the sobbing because it is coming out of you at a raging pace. I felt like an emotional hurricane swept through me and wreaked havoc before slowing fading back out again. I actually had a moment of wanting out. I thought about the Ambien and Klonopin in my drawer. I thought about giving up. And then I thought about Q and my family and I begged God not to let me do it. I decided to reach out and call my mom instead. She said all of the wrong things and all of the right things all at once in that way that only moms can do. If I ever have any success in counseling, it will be because of her.
Which brings me to point #1:
I'm still trying to figure out if counseling is what I want to do or if the program I am in is the right one for me. I'm trying to reconcile my past life in the music business with this new me who I am not quite sure came into being. Who am I? What am I doing? And where am I going? I literally feel as if life itself has been trying to push me out of the music industry, as if it's the wrong path - not my destiny. So what is my destiny, my dharma?
I feel as though I can't go back to the record business, at least not as an employee. It's devastatingly sad actually. I spent ten years of my life paying "dues" for something I only went on to leave. But I just feel like I've changed in such a way that it would honestly be impossible to go back to what I used to do and who I used to be. Not that I have changed so dramatically as a person, but I've been shown a different side of life that doesn't fit with my old version of it. A door was opened for me and I walked through it, not realizing that I would forever be changed. I am luminary right now. Is that the right word? A person who is between two worlds - not belonging to one or the other. I am in transition. I am the space between words - the moment after a sentence has been spoken and the other has yet to be said.
Yeah, I know, too many metaphors. I'll stop now, but the bottom line is that I am questioning everything right now. Which leads me back to the title of this entry. I don't want it to all keep rushing forward, but I also don't want it to stop. I just want to be able to pause for a moment and reflect on what makes the most sense. The thing is, life, I've learned, never makes sense looking forward. It is only looking backward that it appears to have some sort of pattern - a path carved out much the same way a river carves it's own path in the earth - winding, bending, unpredictable, but with purpose, conviction and knowing that it is going exactly the way it should be.
I can't decide if going back to school has been my convenient way of not having a full-time job, or if it really is what I want to do. I love the learning, but what about the doing? Will I like BEING a counselor, or do I just like learning about the techniques and working on my own shit?
I actually started seeing a new therapist this week. She is completely different from Dolores and even works in a way that is completely different from the way that I am being trained. She went to the University of Santa Monica where she learned Spiritual Counseling Psychology. It was weird to me that she didn't want more info about my biosocialpsych history, but we delved directly into counseling and within half an hour I felt my emotions all bubbling to the surface. I felt it was time to start dealing with R (my ex from 6 years ago who 's break up with me has had a profound effect on all of my subsequent "relationships" since him). I know that I need to deal with my feelings of worthlessness related to R and men in general and seeing a therapist with a spiritual slant feels much more holistic to me than a straight up psycho-dynamic therapist. Maybe her path will end up being one that I can follow, parallel or mirror in some way. We shall see...
Of course I want to deal with my issues related to career as well and I'm sure those will be popping up sooner rather than later. Primary among my concerns is...
POINT #2:
Do I want to pursue songwriting? And if yes, why have I not/am I not doing so? And if no, then why am I still obsessing about it. I need to figure out what being a "songwriter" means to me. Is it actually about being a recording artist? Or is it about writing a hit song for another person to sing? Or is it both? And how do I focus on songwriting and counseling at the same time? And where is this all leading me?
There are so many options and alternatives, but I suppose one doesn't have to choose anything. You just live your life, day by day, moment by moment, one step at a time. Such a strange concept to grasp but it is true. I think I also want to work on my vision board. I was thinking about starting a brand new one. Condensing and focusing it, taking off those things which no longer feel appropriate. But perhaps everything still is appropriate. I just need to give myself the time to work on it. I'm really attempting to devise a schedule for myself that not only incorporates my school work, but one that has carved out time for my creativity, spirituality and health. These are very important facets of my life and ones which I know that I cannot ignore without moving into deep states of depression.
My homework for my therapist for this week was two-fold: 1) create a "Joy List" - recording all of those things which bring me joy (seems simple, but it was actually a challenge for me and 2) write out an "Acknowledgement List" every day where I acknowledge myself for at least three things. This is to work on my "I'm good enough" muscle which has grown week and atrophied over the years, probably both as a result of my family upbringing, and my breakups with R & E and semi-break ups with crushes, J & K. The truth is, I often feel pretty shitty about myself and sometimes even think that I am so repulsive that no guy would ever want to be with me for long periods of time. It makes me sad when I hear myself say this, but it's a voice in my head that often takes precedent over all other voices - even the logical ones. I also want to incorporate these things into my gratitude journal (which is inactive at the moment) and my Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love) suggestions which consist of recording your favorite moment of the day in which you felt most alive, and your completion to the sentence: "Today I really, really, really want..."
All of these concepts are about re-shifting the focus in your thoughts, your observations and thereby your experiences.
Maybe I will start a new journal for these things this week. Starting fresh is something I am quite drawn to I suppose. And when I can't start fresh, I at least like to push pause so that I can gather my thoughts and come up with solutions to some of my problems. But alas, pushing pause is not an option in life is it? So I must just keep going, doing the best I can and working on my "I'm good enough" muscle. Life is a process. And as my drama therapy teacher always says, "Stay curious."
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
New Beginnings and Endings
On this day next week, I will have started yet another Master's Degree program in an entirely new field. I have absolutely NO idea what to expect and quite honestly, I am terrified out of my mind. All I've wanted to do over the past few days is get completely wasted and fall asleep - leaving little to no time for any sort of thinking. Tonight, I decided, I should take a break from the debauchery and deal with some of my feelings, and yet, thus far, I've spent the night talking on the phone, eating and watching TV, followed by some Facebook stalking and now blogging. I just don't know if this is the best move for me. And if not, then what is? On some days, I feel as if Counseling is such a natural fit for me. I've had professors, family members, friends and bosses tell me this too. And in some ways, I believe it. But there is another very active part of me that is saying, "But, I wanted to live a creative life. I wanted to be a singer/songwriter. It's all I've ever wanted and all I will ever want."
This is the voice that scares me. How do I just "become" a songwriter? And where does this urge that I've had since childhood come from? Which part of me do I develop and nurture the most? Do I focus on psychology, spirituality, music business or creating music. The latter sounds the most delicious to me, but I just don't know how to go about doing it.
I was supposed to start therapy, myself, tomorrow, but the therapist had to cancel on me. In a way, I had wanted this to happen. I was actually going to cancel on her for a brief moment there, but decided I should stick with my original appointment. Strangely, this is the second time this week that I've had someone cancel their appointment with me. And more to the point, I've been ok with it. In fact, I think that maybe I even manifested it. Lately, I've just been trying to go with the flow of life. After Q's death a month ago, I felt a door inside me open. In the darkness of my grief, I could literally feel myself opening, as if living and loving suddenly became more of an urgent priority. Living and loving, deliberately, and on purpose...Perhaps this is Q's final message to me.
As I approach thirty, everything feels as though it is speeding up. I feel like there is much to be done, accomplished, conquered, and yet at the same time, I feel a seed of peace sprouting inside of me which says, "Don't worry. It will all work out exactly as it should." Not sure if this is comforting or not, but the point is, I am embracing life more fully and trying to connect with others in a way which I never allowed myself to before.
I get mad a Q sometimes when I think about how he's been missing out on life. How he never got to truly love or be loved. Maybe he never let anyone see the real him. That scares me, because I know I keep people out too. I often project distance, distraction, and a seeming indifference which is anything but how I truly feel. I will never know why Q chose to end his life, but I also understand it in a weird way. Life does not always come easy, but maybe there is something beautiful in that. At the wedding I went to this past weekend, I thought a lot about Q. While I watched this beautiful ceremony unfold and was surrounded by majestic mountains and close friends, I felt so glad that I was there getting to take it all in, and so sad for Q that he would never again see a sunset, or spend time with people who loved him, or even have sex again. And he made that decision on his own. He said to the world, "I don't want to see anymore, I can't take it" and that was it. But when I was wiping tears from my eyes this weekend in profound awe over my friends' ability to love, and feeling the sun against my face as we climbed to the highest peak in the Catskills, and hearing the soft rain falling on a canopy of trees above us, and watching the light cast shadows on the field of green behind us, I said to Q, "I can't believe you'd rather be dead than see this now - than hear this, breathe this or be here now." It is my loss that I will never be able to see him again, but it really is his loss, that at age 26, he chose to go.
Wow, I guess I needed to write about him. Not that I don't think about him obsessively, but putting it down in words - well, it's something I've sort of been avoiding actually. Writing makes life permanent and it often forces us to see those things which we don't have to look at when there is nothing written.
Which brings me back to fear - fear of starting my new career path, fear of never falling in love, fear of life - and the simultaneous fear of not living. I don't know what to expect, but that's the point, isn't it? Life surprises us, it shocks us, it makes us hurt and cry, but it also brings us lovers, friends, happiness and moments of the most pure beauty possible. And it is on this note that I am trying to go with the flow of life rather than against it. If love is not in my cards, then so be it. If I hate this program (or love it), then so be it. If I become (or don't become) a successful songwriter, then, SO BE IT. I am sick of struggling against life all the time.
Going to release the past now, going to relinquish control over the future, and going to just be me for a second - living in the present moment in all it's scary new beginnings which can only arise from the endings we tell ourselves we hate so dearly.
This is the voice that scares me. How do I just "become" a songwriter? And where does this urge that I've had since childhood come from? Which part of me do I develop and nurture the most? Do I focus on psychology, spirituality, music business or creating music. The latter sounds the most delicious to me, but I just don't know how to go about doing it.
I was supposed to start therapy, myself, tomorrow, but the therapist had to cancel on me. In a way, I had wanted this to happen. I was actually going to cancel on her for a brief moment there, but decided I should stick with my original appointment. Strangely, this is the second time this week that I've had someone cancel their appointment with me. And more to the point, I've been ok with it. In fact, I think that maybe I even manifested it. Lately, I've just been trying to go with the flow of life. After Q's death a month ago, I felt a door inside me open. In the darkness of my grief, I could literally feel myself opening, as if living and loving suddenly became more of an urgent priority. Living and loving, deliberately, and on purpose...Perhaps this is Q's final message to me.
As I approach thirty, everything feels as though it is speeding up. I feel like there is much to be done, accomplished, conquered, and yet at the same time, I feel a seed of peace sprouting inside of me which says, "Don't worry. It will all work out exactly as it should." Not sure if this is comforting or not, but the point is, I am embracing life more fully and trying to connect with others in a way which I never allowed myself to before.
I get mad a Q sometimes when I think about how he's been missing out on life. How he never got to truly love or be loved. Maybe he never let anyone see the real him. That scares me, because I know I keep people out too. I often project distance, distraction, and a seeming indifference which is anything but how I truly feel. I will never know why Q chose to end his life, but I also understand it in a weird way. Life does not always come easy, but maybe there is something beautiful in that. At the wedding I went to this past weekend, I thought a lot about Q. While I watched this beautiful ceremony unfold and was surrounded by majestic mountains and close friends, I felt so glad that I was there getting to take it all in, and so sad for Q that he would never again see a sunset, or spend time with people who loved him, or even have sex again. And he made that decision on his own. He said to the world, "I don't want to see anymore, I can't take it" and that was it. But when I was wiping tears from my eyes this weekend in profound awe over my friends' ability to love, and feeling the sun against my face as we climbed to the highest peak in the Catskills, and hearing the soft rain falling on a canopy of trees above us, and watching the light cast shadows on the field of green behind us, I said to Q, "I can't believe you'd rather be dead than see this now - than hear this, breathe this or be here now." It is my loss that I will never be able to see him again, but it really is his loss, that at age 26, he chose to go.
Wow, I guess I needed to write about him. Not that I don't think about him obsessively, but putting it down in words - well, it's something I've sort of been avoiding actually. Writing makes life permanent and it often forces us to see those things which we don't have to look at when there is nothing written.
Which brings me back to fear - fear of starting my new career path, fear of never falling in love, fear of life - and the simultaneous fear of not living. I don't know what to expect, but that's the point, isn't it? Life surprises us, it shocks us, it makes us hurt and cry, but it also brings us lovers, friends, happiness and moments of the most pure beauty possible. And it is on this note that I am trying to go with the flow of life rather than against it. If love is not in my cards, then so be it. If I hate this program (or love it), then so be it. If I become (or don't become) a successful songwriter, then, SO BE IT. I am sick of struggling against life all the time.
Going to release the past now, going to relinquish control over the future, and going to just be me for a second - living in the present moment in all it's scary new beginnings which can only arise from the endings we tell ourselves we hate so dearly.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Love Eluding
Love, I have decided, completely eludes me. For most people, the act of being in a relationship and/or "falling in love" seems to happen effortlessly and often. This weekend, I went to the most beautiful wedding and was surrounded head to toe by love. Everywhere I looked, happy couples, old and young, were soaking in it, bonded by that sneaky little four letter word. Some of my friends have been dating their boyfriends for years, and I swear they still truly do love each other. In my world, in my mind, this doesn't seem possible for me. Perhaps only some people inherit the gene for being able to fall in love so completely - and when they find another who possesses it as well, it just works. My sister has been dating her boyfriend since college, which means it's been about six or so years. Guess she got the love gene from our parents, but I didn't.
Don't get me wrong: I have loved, but it always seems to be fleeting - temporary, ephemeral. I don't know how to be in love and stay there - to be comfortable inside it. Or maybe I just like the rush of the falling and can't stand the monotony of the loving. Actually, I think I love too much and too soon. And then it all just seems to crumble. Is it that I haven't met the right person yet? Am I doing something wrong? Am I attracted to men who aren't a good "fit" for me? I honestly don't know. I am perplexed.
Over the past week I began a small love affair with a guy in his early (early) twenties. It's been the best sex I have ever had, and now, I am sure, he is going to disappear forever - just drive off, back to where he came from and never speak to me again. Has abandonment become my normal - my "set point"? Why do I get abandoned over and over where as others can sustain their loving relationships?
I love the chase, but I don't know how to stop. Maybe I am addicted to it. I just wish someone would love me completely and wholly as I want to do with them.
The younger guy I have been hooking up with, he reminds me a little bit of my ex who I completely loved. Does that mean I am on the wrong path, or getting closer to the right one? The weird thing is that I actually felt myself sort of falling into a lusty, love thing with him, which is most likely just my fucked up way of preparing myself for what I always expect - to be left. I am so sick of this pattern. I am ready to change it.
Although a part of me rejects relationships, and anything else I have deemed "conventional" - I truly do want to be with someone who I can grow and love with. I feel ready. Perhaps my latest lover isn't ready for this level of commitment, but I am. You hear that UNIVERSE?!? I am ready for love! I am willing to love! And where there is a will, there is a way.
And then, sometimes, I think about E. The one who I've loved for three years now, with no return of love in sight, despite starting out as intimate friends.
Why do these boys only love pieces of me? Sometimes it is the sex, sometimes it is the friendship. What about ALL of me? I want so badly to know what that feels like. And yet, I sit hear re-reading this blog, hating that I am sounding like a whiny, desperate girl. Always feeling as though I am too much or not enough of something.
My wishes:
*To have a longer lasting love affair with my young lover.
*To be wanted by E in a sexual way.
*To be in a relationship with the above two, or a new person (or returning) love interest.
Part of love, for me, is validation. I know it shouldn't be, but It is and I don't know how for it not to be. I need to be validated on a physical AND emotional level. Without this validation, I live in a constant state of questioning about myself. I need other people to make me feel whole. Now before you or I go diagnosing me with some sort of psychological ailment, I just want to say, "Doesn't everyone?" On some level, don't we all get a feeling of wholeness through our relationships with others? I refuse to believe I'm the only one.
I remember being young and going to countless parties with friends. We were single and up for having a good time, a fun hook up, anything to keep the night alive with lusty love. I miss those days. I suppose in someways, I am still living them. But the closer I get to my thirties, the less acceptable these sorts of longings seem to become. I guess this is why I love younger guys. But am I destined to always end up with the "He's Just Not That Into You" sirens flashing through my mind? I hope not. I hope that phase in my life is over and that the new phase will be filled with something more substantial.
In the meantime though, I am hoping that what the young one and I have started can continue in some way.
Anyway...once again, I'm stuck here staring the looking glass, watching myself look so uncomfortable and tired. "Stop squirming!" I hear the Mad Hatter cry out. I wish I could. But love eludes me and I can't tell what I am looking at anymore.
Don't get me wrong: I have loved, but it always seems to be fleeting - temporary, ephemeral. I don't know how to be in love and stay there - to be comfortable inside it. Or maybe I just like the rush of the falling and can't stand the monotony of the loving. Actually, I think I love too much and too soon. And then it all just seems to crumble. Is it that I haven't met the right person yet? Am I doing something wrong? Am I attracted to men who aren't a good "fit" for me? I honestly don't know. I am perplexed.
Over the past week I began a small love affair with a guy in his early (early) twenties. It's been the best sex I have ever had, and now, I am sure, he is going to disappear forever - just drive off, back to where he came from and never speak to me again. Has abandonment become my normal - my "set point"? Why do I get abandoned over and over where as others can sustain their loving relationships?
I love the chase, but I don't know how to stop. Maybe I am addicted to it. I just wish someone would love me completely and wholly as I want to do with them.
The younger guy I have been hooking up with, he reminds me a little bit of my ex who I completely loved. Does that mean I am on the wrong path, or getting closer to the right one? The weird thing is that I actually felt myself sort of falling into a lusty, love thing with him, which is most likely just my fucked up way of preparing myself for what I always expect - to be left. I am so sick of this pattern. I am ready to change it.
Although a part of me rejects relationships, and anything else I have deemed "conventional" - I truly do want to be with someone who I can grow and love with. I feel ready. Perhaps my latest lover isn't ready for this level of commitment, but I am. You hear that UNIVERSE?!? I am ready for love! I am willing to love! And where there is a will, there is a way.
And then, sometimes, I think about E. The one who I've loved for three years now, with no return of love in sight, despite starting out as intimate friends.
Why do these boys only love pieces of me? Sometimes it is the sex, sometimes it is the friendship. What about ALL of me? I want so badly to know what that feels like. And yet, I sit hear re-reading this blog, hating that I am sounding like a whiny, desperate girl. Always feeling as though I am too much or not enough of something.
My wishes:
*To have a longer lasting love affair with my young lover.
*To be wanted by E in a sexual way.
*To be in a relationship with the above two, or a new person (or returning) love interest.
Part of love, for me, is validation. I know it shouldn't be, but It is and I don't know how for it not to be. I need to be validated on a physical AND emotional level. Without this validation, I live in a constant state of questioning about myself. I need other people to make me feel whole. Now before you or I go diagnosing me with some sort of psychological ailment, I just want to say, "Doesn't everyone?" On some level, don't we all get a feeling of wholeness through our relationships with others? I refuse to believe I'm the only one.
I remember being young and going to countless parties with friends. We were single and up for having a good time, a fun hook up, anything to keep the night alive with lusty love. I miss those days. I suppose in someways, I am still living them. But the closer I get to my thirties, the less acceptable these sorts of longings seem to become. I guess this is why I love younger guys. But am I destined to always end up with the "He's Just Not That Into You" sirens flashing through my mind? I hope not. I hope that phase in my life is over and that the new phase will be filled with something more substantial.
In the meantime though, I am hoping that what the young one and I have started can continue in some way.
Anyway...once again, I'm stuck here staring the looking glass, watching myself look so uncomfortable and tired. "Stop squirming!" I hear the Mad Hatter cry out. I wish I could. But love eludes me and I can't tell what I am looking at anymore.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Puzzle Pieces of Me
Lately, I feel as though I am completely and utterly different from all of my "friends." People whom I've been extremely close with since college and even since 7th grade seem so distant from me, or perhaps, I from them. In some ways, it's as though I am looking at everyone in my life through a rear-view mirror. Objects appear rather funny when watching them in reverse. I am moving forward, into the unknown, and they are becoming smaller and smaller, sinking into the distance, "safe" in the perfect little bubbles of life they have created for themselves. Not that any one of my friends would call their lives "perfect," but in my eyes, a striving towards conventionality, stability and all things "safe" seems so...perfectly bland.
Why am I the only one, it seems, who isn't in a rush to grow up and settle down? What is "settling-down" anyway? Why would I want to settle on anything? We aren't picking out fabric colors and settling on the maroon rather than the burgundy, or finding out that our favorite dish is no longer being served, thus settling on another. We are talking about our lives here! I don't want to settle for anything.
Settling also implies a lack of movement and growth, a slowing down, being pulled by the roots further into certainty, boredom, monotony. Settling down? Why not settling UP? Honestly, I am terrified of settling down. I even believe that I am terrified of being in a "real" relationship. Some days, I wake up and feel like I am still in my early twenties, or even in my teens, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.
How is it that others not only have the growing up thing down pat, but are also rather proud of themselves for being "grownups." I'm not saying I never want to be an independent, confident adult (I think in many ways I already am one), but to throw ourselves into marriages and mortgages? I find it all a bit depressing. The rest of society on the other-hand, is chomping at the bit to get "there" - that magical place of having it "all" - husband, home, car, children. Those things would be nice one day, but at 29, I still don't feel ready. I'll be 30 in three months and I can pretty much guarantee you I won't be ready then either.
Lately, all I hear about are engagement rings, finishing PhDs, and how many weddings people have to go to in a year. For one of my friends, '08 topped out at 8 weddings! THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I just want to run away.
Some of my friends have even given me their time-line as to how much longer they want to live in the city, as if they will go past their expiration date and spoil if they don't get out in time. Once again...ridiculous. And...I JUST WANT TO RUN.
What's sad is that these people, the ones whom I've called my friends for so many years now, I just don't think they "get" me anymore. Clearly I don't get them either, but it's always so much harder to be the only one people don't get, rather than a group of people who one person doesn't get. I feel as though I no longer belong to my own tribe of people. I am the outcast, the outsider, the statistical outlier. Maybe this is the scene in the movie where the protagonist ventures out on her own, in search of some truth - some authentic piece of life that is just out of reach. On this quest, perhaps she will meet an array of new characters, journeying along roads never travelled and battling new monsters never before imagined (but always defeatable). I've always identified with Dorothy as she was pulled off her path and placed in a strange and unfamiliar territory. I even have recurring dreams of tornadoes roaring towards me, despite never having actually seen one in my waking life. And then there's Alice, who, similarly, ventures off on her own to find out what lies on the other side of the looking glass. Or Pandora who opens the box nobody else wants to, because they are all so content with the damn status quo. These ladies - I suppose they are my role models right now. They are the only guides I have, and as silly as that sounds, I feel strangely comforted by them. You see, even when these women first venture out on their own, they are terrified, just like I am right now, but somewhere along the way, they find unexpected treasures and characters who become not only great teachers, but wise, caring and giving friends.
Which leads me to my final thought...it's not just about all of my friends getting married or moving in together or getting their PhDs, because, honestly, these are wonderful things that make them happy and make me happy for them. I just think, for the first time, I am realizing what many of my supposed closest, bestest, life-long friends are made of, and I'm not sure if I like it. I'm realizing that perhaps there is more selfishness involved in these people than I had previously recognized; less creativity and artistry as I had once given them credit for; and an irrefutable urge to settle-down than I had ever imagined possible. In essence: we just don't fit together like we used to.
In fact, I don't know where I fit anymore. I am like a puzzle piece waiting to find my place, or be picked up by the hands of god, or a tornado, or whatever, and placed in my new surroundings, with my new tribe and my authentic piece of life - which may actually just be a more authentic version of me.
Why am I the only one, it seems, who isn't in a rush to grow up and settle down? What is "settling-down" anyway? Why would I want to settle on anything? We aren't picking out fabric colors and settling on the maroon rather than the burgundy, or finding out that our favorite dish is no longer being served, thus settling on another. We are talking about our lives here! I don't want to settle for anything.
Settling also implies a lack of movement and growth, a slowing down, being pulled by the roots further into certainty, boredom, monotony. Settling down? Why not settling UP? Honestly, I am terrified of settling down. I even believe that I am terrified of being in a "real" relationship. Some days, I wake up and feel like I am still in my early twenties, or even in my teens, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.
How is it that others not only have the growing up thing down pat, but are also rather proud of themselves for being "grownups." I'm not saying I never want to be an independent, confident adult (I think in many ways I already am one), but to throw ourselves into marriages and mortgages? I find it all a bit depressing. The rest of society on the other-hand, is chomping at the bit to get "there" - that magical place of having it "all" - husband, home, car, children. Those things would be nice one day, but at 29, I still don't feel ready. I'll be 30 in three months and I can pretty much guarantee you I won't be ready then either.
Lately, all I hear about are engagement rings, finishing PhDs, and how many weddings people have to go to in a year. For one of my friends, '08 topped out at 8 weddings! THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I just want to run away.
Some of my friends have even given me their time-line as to how much longer they want to live in the city, as if they will go past their expiration date and spoil if they don't get out in time. Once again...ridiculous. And...I JUST WANT TO RUN.
What's sad is that these people, the ones whom I've called my friends for so many years now, I just don't think they "get" me anymore. Clearly I don't get them either, but it's always so much harder to be the only one people don't get, rather than a group of people who one person doesn't get. I feel as though I no longer belong to my own tribe of people. I am the outcast, the outsider, the statistical outlier. Maybe this is the scene in the movie where the protagonist ventures out on her own, in search of some truth - some authentic piece of life that is just out of reach. On this quest, perhaps she will meet an array of new characters, journeying along roads never travelled and battling new monsters never before imagined (but always defeatable). I've always identified with Dorothy as she was pulled off her path and placed in a strange and unfamiliar territory. I even have recurring dreams of tornadoes roaring towards me, despite never having actually seen one in my waking life. And then there's Alice, who, similarly, ventures off on her own to find out what lies on the other side of the looking glass. Or Pandora who opens the box nobody else wants to, because they are all so content with the damn status quo. These ladies - I suppose they are my role models right now. They are the only guides I have, and as silly as that sounds, I feel strangely comforted by them. You see, even when these women first venture out on their own, they are terrified, just like I am right now, but somewhere along the way, they find unexpected treasures and characters who become not only great teachers, but wise, caring and giving friends.
Which leads me to my final thought...it's not just about all of my friends getting married or moving in together or getting their PhDs, because, honestly, these are wonderful things that make them happy and make me happy for them. I just think, for the first time, I am realizing what many of my supposed closest, bestest, life-long friends are made of, and I'm not sure if I like it. I'm realizing that perhaps there is more selfishness involved in these people than I had previously recognized; less creativity and artistry as I had once given them credit for; and an irrefutable urge to settle-down than I had ever imagined possible. In essence: we just don't fit together like we used to.
In fact, I don't know where I fit anymore. I am like a puzzle piece waiting to find my place, or be picked up by the hands of god, or a tornado, or whatever, and placed in my new surroundings, with my new tribe and my authentic piece of life - which may actually just be a more authentic version of me.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Jealousy
Last night, I spent about three hours reading one of my old (ex)friend's blogs. I didn't even realize she had a blog until I was doing some late night Facebook stalking and came across a link to her page. The story of of why this friend and I no longer speak is long and boring - actually, it feels long and boring, but it's actually quite simple and probably pretty "normal" in the grand scheme of people's friendships. Basically, I felt as though this friend and I started to have nothing in common. Much of this was tied into what I perceived to be her lack of ambition, her self-righteousness, and her extreme negativity. Ironically, however, after reading her blog last night, lo and behold, she seems to have done a complete 180. Perhaps Saturn Return has affected her just as greatly as it has me. While reading her pages, I felt myself having so many simultaneous thoughts and emotions. At first, I was happy to see that she had made so many positive changes in her life. I even felt relieved in a way, seeing so much of her own struggles to live an authentic creative life echo my own. But then, another force overtook me: jealousy.
I believe it was Shakespeare who coined the term "green-eyed monster" when describing the J word. In my mind, this is such an accurate description for what seems to be an almost living entity which lives inside me, jutting its ugly head out of my from time to time just to make sure I know how far "off-track" I am. For example, while reading this (ex)friend's blog, and realizing that not only was she "getting her life together," but that, for the first time, she was putting herself out there, completely exposed, declaring to the world, that she was and is in fact a writer, determined to be published within the next year. Having always wanted to be a writer, songwriter, artist, etc, myself, as I read, I could feel the J-monster breathing his hot breaths behind me while whispering his dark commentary into my ear (in a low, growling voice): "Look at her. You thought she had no ambition or self discipline and now she is out there writing every single day to hundreds of blog readers! She's going to be a successful, happy writer, and you haven't even completed one of the many songs you've started, or kept up with this blog, or even found a vocation that makes you truly happy."
GRRRRRR....
I hate this green-eyed monster who always manages to make me feel like shit. The truth is though, it's this same monster, who has propelled me towards a constant striving for the best in my life, who pushes me to be true to myself and expand the boundaries of my creative capabilities. And look...here I am on my own blog the very next day, writing, expressing, and yes, maybe even competing a little with her blog. : )
The problem with using blogs to compare yourself with others is that blog writing is usually only a tiny percentage of the real person who is writing. Bloggers can, in a sense, be anyone they want to be. If in "real" life you are shy and withdrawn, in blog-land, you can lead a wild, life-of-the-party existence; if you are always negative and angry, but wish you weren't, the blog will allow you to be positive and perhaps even inspirational to others; or, if you are like me, and spend most of your days pretending to fit-in, and feign contentment and confidence about your "path" in this world, you can live in a Wonderland of perplexing curiousities where you are more real in online anonymity for the entire internet, than you are with even your closest real-life friends and family.
For me, this blog is like getting to be on the other side of the Looking Glass; I get to explore paradoxes, mysteries and the uncertainty of all we are told must be, should be and is absolutely certain.
So, if jealousy must be a green-eyed monster, coveting that which my friends and even ex-friends have, perhaps I should invite this companion into my life as a source of inspiration, rather than shun him from it. If I become more comfortable with my envy-attacks, and actually use them as a source of motivation, maybe I will be one step closer to living one of the lives I am constantly jealous of.
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
I believe it was Shakespeare who coined the term "green-eyed monster" when describing the J word. In my mind, this is such an accurate description for what seems to be an almost living entity which lives inside me, jutting its ugly head out of my from time to time just to make sure I know how far "off-track" I am. For example, while reading this (ex)friend's blog, and realizing that not only was she "getting her life together," but that, for the first time, she was putting herself out there, completely exposed, declaring to the world, that she was and is in fact a writer, determined to be published within the next year. Having always wanted to be a writer, songwriter, artist, etc, myself, as I read, I could feel the J-monster breathing his hot breaths behind me while whispering his dark commentary into my ear (in a low, growling voice): "Look at her. You thought she had no ambition or self discipline and now she is out there writing every single day to hundreds of blog readers! She's going to be a successful, happy writer, and you haven't even completed one of the many songs you've started, or kept up with this blog, or even found a vocation that makes you truly happy."
GRRRRRR....
I hate this green-eyed monster who always manages to make me feel like shit. The truth is though, it's this same monster, who has propelled me towards a constant striving for the best in my life, who pushes me to be true to myself and expand the boundaries of my creative capabilities. And look...here I am on my own blog the very next day, writing, expressing, and yes, maybe even competing a little with her blog. : )
The problem with using blogs to compare yourself with others is that blog writing is usually only a tiny percentage of the real person who is writing. Bloggers can, in a sense, be anyone they want to be. If in "real" life you are shy and withdrawn, in blog-land, you can lead a wild, life-of-the-party existence; if you are always negative and angry, but wish you weren't, the blog will allow you to be positive and perhaps even inspirational to others; or, if you are like me, and spend most of your days pretending to fit-in, and feign contentment and confidence about your "path" in this world, you can live in a Wonderland of perplexing curiousities where you are more real in online anonymity for the entire internet, than you are with even your closest real-life friends and family.
For me, this blog is like getting to be on the other side of the Looking Glass; I get to explore paradoxes, mysteries and the uncertainty of all we are told must be, should be and is absolutely certain.
So, if jealousy must be a green-eyed monster, coveting that which my friends and even ex-friends have, perhaps I should invite this companion into my life as a source of inspiration, rather than shun him from it. If I become more comfortable with my envy-attacks, and actually use them as a source of motivation, maybe I will be one step closer to living one of the lives I am constantly jealous of.
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Time
Somehow four months passed by since my last post. I actually didn't think I would end up posting again, but today I found myself eager to get back on the blog band wagon and face myself and my life in internet technicolor once more.
Now that I think about it, a lot has happened in the past four months - funny how even when I am sure "nothing" is going on, life is busy passing me by, interjecting its little plot twists here and there.
Let's recap the major points now:
March
Rejected from Music Therapy grad school.
Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be a music therapist, this still really sucked and completely took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the month. I've always wanted to be a musician and I thought combining my love of music with helping people made so much sense. Alas, the universe perhaps has other plans for me.
Good friend has record release party - celebrates the completion of his first album.
Ok, I am happy for him. So happy. But I am also wildly jealous. I wish I had the guts to perform in front of people. I write bits and pieces of songs, but never finish them or share any part of them with others. Spent the weekend of the record release party hating myself for being scared all the time and never fully embracing the part of me that has always longed to be a singer/songwriter - but that's a whole other post. And thus we move on to...
April
Was invited to interview for three Counseling Psychology graduate programs - two in San Francisco and one in New York.
The interviews went really well, but I couldn't stop comparing San Fran to NYC. Torn between my love of New York and my desire for something new and adventurous. Started obsessing about my decision before I was even accepted. Typical me. So, let's get on to...
May
Was accepted into all three Counseling Psychology programs!
"Woohoo!" Followed by "Oh no..." It felt great to be accepted, but where do I go? And more importantly, is this even what I want to do?? (Don't worry, there will be plenty more obsessing about this in the months to come.)
Went home to Florida for Memorial Day weekend.
Sometimes when I am down there I can't believe I ever left. Kept thinking, Maybe I should just move back home. Sigh. And then came...
June
Best friend gets engaged.
Ug, yes. Another one bites the dust. I am happy for her, but also sad that our youth seems to be coming to a close. Didn't we just move to NYC a few years ago? Since when did we get old and start settling down? Not that I was shocked by the engagement - but I definitely had been in denial. At the engagement surprise party her boyfriend/fiance threw for her, I found myself sitting at a dinner table with no less than SIX couples (1 married, 3 engaged and 2 dating) and my single self. I somehow ended up at the head of the table - appropriate for the thirteenth person who clearly didn't fit into this perfect little picture. It was a little like the Last Supper, only clearly I am not Jesus - though, now that I think about it, he was around thirty years old when he sat around the table that night with his disciples. Maybe he was feeling just as awkward as I am these days. Ha. Speaking of all things holy, I then...
Had to make a decision about grad school.
I kept waiting for a sign. A divine sign - a glowing angel clothed in white, scroll in hand, just for me, with directions enscribed on it as to what I am "supposed" to do next. I even read every billboard I saw, hoping a message was embedded within it - code words for my next mission. Then, realized I was 1) not going to get a "sign" and 2) I am just a tad crazy. Which leads me right back to the whole, "Should I even be a counselor" dilemma, as mentioned previously. So now I suppose you want to know about...
Today
Accepted my invitation to the NYC counseling program.
Still unsure if I made the right choice, but I decided to just give myself the option of going, which could always be backed out of at the last minute if I needed to. On the one hand I am excited to go back to grad school (this will actually be my second return to g.s.), but on the other, I hear a small voice in my head asking me what the hell am I doing. What about songwriting, writing, creativity? What about the music industry you committed your early twenties to...is that all over now? And money...remember that credit card debt you've taken on since you moved to NYC? How is that getting paid for on top of school and a potential career path that makes no money? And then the little girl in me screams out: Do I really have to choose one path at the exclusion of all others??
I don't know. Do I?
Here we go again, Saturn Return rearing it's ugly little head. What the hell do you want from me anyway, Saturn?
And so the saga continues. Feeling pulled in a million different directions, and then sometimes, sensing no direction at all.
Now that I think about it, a lot has happened in the past four months - funny how even when I am sure "nothing" is going on, life is busy passing me by, interjecting its little plot twists here and there.
Let's recap the major points now:
March
Rejected from Music Therapy grad school.
Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be a music therapist, this still really sucked and completely took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the month. I've always wanted to be a musician and I thought combining my love of music with helping people made so much sense. Alas, the universe perhaps has other plans for me.
Good friend has record release party - celebrates the completion of his first album.
Ok, I am happy for him. So happy. But I am also wildly jealous. I wish I had the guts to perform in front of people. I write bits and pieces of songs, but never finish them or share any part of them with others. Spent the weekend of the record release party hating myself for being scared all the time and never fully embracing the part of me that has always longed to be a singer/songwriter - but that's a whole other post. And thus we move on to...
April
Was invited to interview for three Counseling Psychology graduate programs - two in San Francisco and one in New York.
The interviews went really well, but I couldn't stop comparing San Fran to NYC. Torn between my love of New York and my desire for something new and adventurous. Started obsessing about my decision before I was even accepted. Typical me. So, let's get on to...
May
Was accepted into all three Counseling Psychology programs!
"Woohoo!" Followed by "Oh no..." It felt great to be accepted, but where do I go? And more importantly, is this even what I want to do?? (Don't worry, there will be plenty more obsessing about this in the months to come.)
Went home to Florida for Memorial Day weekend.
Sometimes when I am down there I can't believe I ever left. Kept thinking, Maybe I should just move back home. Sigh. And then came...
June
Best friend gets engaged.
Ug, yes. Another one bites the dust. I am happy for her, but also sad that our youth seems to be coming to a close. Didn't we just move to NYC a few years ago? Since when did we get old and start settling down? Not that I was shocked by the engagement - but I definitely had been in denial. At the engagement surprise party her boyfriend/fiance threw for her, I found myself sitting at a dinner table with no less than SIX couples (1 married, 3 engaged and 2 dating) and my single self. I somehow ended up at the head of the table - appropriate for the thirteenth person who clearly didn't fit into this perfect little picture. It was a little like the Last Supper, only clearly I am not Jesus - though, now that I think about it, he was around thirty years old when he sat around the table that night with his disciples. Maybe he was feeling just as awkward as I am these days. Ha. Speaking of all things holy, I then...
Had to make a decision about grad school.
I kept waiting for a sign. A divine sign - a glowing angel clothed in white, scroll in hand, just for me, with directions enscribed on it as to what I am "supposed" to do next. I even read every billboard I saw, hoping a message was embedded within it - code words for my next mission. Then, realized I was 1) not going to get a "sign" and 2) I am just a tad crazy. Which leads me right back to the whole, "Should I even be a counselor" dilemma, as mentioned previously. So now I suppose you want to know about...
Today
Accepted my invitation to the NYC counseling program.
Still unsure if I made the right choice, but I decided to just give myself the option of going, which could always be backed out of at the last minute if I needed to. On the one hand I am excited to go back to grad school (this will actually be my second return to g.s.), but on the other, I hear a small voice in my head asking me what the hell am I doing. What about songwriting, writing, creativity? What about the music industry you committed your early twenties to...is that all over now? And money...remember that credit card debt you've taken on since you moved to NYC? How is that getting paid for on top of school and a potential career path that makes no money? And then the little girl in me screams out: Do I really have to choose one path at the exclusion of all others??
I don't know. Do I?
Here we go again, Saturn Return rearing it's ugly little head. What the hell do you want from me anyway, Saturn?
And so the saga continues. Feeling pulled in a million different directions, and then sometimes, sensing no direction at all.
Monday, March 3, 2008
A Doctor's Wisdom
Here in the city of New York, it is often difficult to find a doctor who will actually sit down and talk with you. I have been fortunate enough to find one such doctor. When I visit him he not only asks me questions about my physical health, but also inquires about my mental and spiritual health. He truly is an integrative, holistic practitioner (and he takes my health insurance!)
The last time I visited him he looked me in the eyes and said with sincerity, "So, how are you doing? How is your life right now?"
I sat there puzzled for a second, momentarily thrown off by his genuine interest and concern. How is my life right now? I thought. Good question, Doc.
"I don't know," I said. "Honestly, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I look around at my friends, and my friend's friends and they all seem to sort of have things figured out. They know where they are going. They have a path. I don't seem to have any of that right now. I actually feel completely lost."
Doc smiled at me and nodded his head as if he too had experienced a moment of similar panic as he approached his thirtieth birthday.
"You know," he said. "You are exactly where you need to be right now. All those other people, they are like cows being herded into some big farm. Being lost - being a little off track - this is the place where true individuality takes shape. You are on your own path. Yes, it's a little scary, but would you honestly rather be one of those mindless cows, moving through life never veering off course a little bit to really explore."
I took a deep breath and sighed for a moment, clinging to his wise words as if I was meeting with my Guru on some Ashram in India.
"Yes, but it's just so terrifying. I feel"...
"Trust me," he interrupted, "The unknown - it's one of the best places you'll ever be."
I left the appointment that day running his words over and over again in my head. Maybe he's right. Maybe uncertainty is where it's at right now. But why do I still feel as though everyone around me has it all figured out, while I feel like I am 16 years old trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up?
I hate this.
Doc, I hope you are right. I don't want to be one of those cows.
The last time I visited him he looked me in the eyes and said with sincerity, "So, how are you doing? How is your life right now?"
I sat there puzzled for a second, momentarily thrown off by his genuine interest and concern. How is my life right now? I thought. Good question, Doc.
"I don't know," I said. "Honestly, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I look around at my friends, and my friend's friends and they all seem to sort of have things figured out. They know where they are going. They have a path. I don't seem to have any of that right now. I actually feel completely lost."
Doc smiled at me and nodded his head as if he too had experienced a moment of similar panic as he approached his thirtieth birthday.
"You know," he said. "You are exactly where you need to be right now. All those other people, they are like cows being herded into some big farm. Being lost - being a little off track - this is the place where true individuality takes shape. You are on your own path. Yes, it's a little scary, but would you honestly rather be one of those mindless cows, moving through life never veering off course a little bit to really explore."
I took a deep breath and sighed for a moment, clinging to his wise words as if I was meeting with my Guru on some Ashram in India.
"Yes, but it's just so terrifying. I feel"...
"Trust me," he interrupted, "The unknown - it's one of the best places you'll ever be."
I left the appointment that day running his words over and over again in my head. Maybe he's right. Maybe uncertainty is where it's at right now. But why do I still feel as though everyone around me has it all figured out, while I feel like I am 16 years old trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up?
I hate this.
Doc, I hope you are right. I don't want to be one of those cows.
On the Edge of Thirty
They say at age twenty-nine, the planet Saturn makes it way back around the orbit of the sun and returns to the exact place it was in the skies on the day we were born...a twenty-nine year trip, which supposedly results in the stirring up of all aspects of our lives, forcing us to live in a more authentic way than we ever have before. Old ways of living which no longer serve us are either forced out of our lives or asked to be gently removed - all resulting in one giant purge of emotional baggage and the letting go of people, relationships and situations which no longer serve us.
I am truly in the midst of my Saturn Return - twenty-nine years old - feeling pulled in so many different directions at once. Clueless and yet, clued-in for the first time in my life about who I might be and where I might be headed. In some ways, I feel like my life is in this strange tabula rossa period where I must re-write and rebuild everything around me, making script changes here and there, tearing down old sets, and perhaps even removing a few of the characters who no longer move the plot line that is me and my life forward.
This blog is about that strange time in all of our lives where, on the edge of thirty, we are brought face to face with ourselves (and our shadows).
Every part of my current life, both "good" and "bad" is being weeded through, plucked and picked at, up-rooted and, for the first time in a while, actually tended to. At twenty-nine, I am planting seeds, waiting to see what sprouts, and what doesn't. Ready to release that which no longer provides nutrients to me and eager to find the nourishment which will.
On the edge of the thirty, anything is possible and it is within this limitless abyss that I find both comfort as well as dread.
Endless possibilities mean just that - an expanding spectrum of life which provides no guarantees or safety nets, but which may lift us to new heights of perception and passion if we let them.
As Saturn returns to me, I find myself contemplating - and re-contemplating, my career, my friendships, my relationships, my role within my family and what exactly my twenties were all about.
I am truly in the midst of my Saturn Return - twenty-nine years old - feeling pulled in so many different directions at once. Clueless and yet, clued-in for the first time in my life about who I might be and where I might be headed. In some ways, I feel like my life is in this strange tabula rossa period where I must re-write and rebuild everything around me, making script changes here and there, tearing down old sets, and perhaps even removing a few of the characters who no longer move the plot line that is me and my life forward.
This blog is about that strange time in all of our lives where, on the edge of thirty, we are brought face to face with ourselves (and our shadows).
Every part of my current life, both "good" and "bad" is being weeded through, plucked and picked at, up-rooted and, for the first time in a while, actually tended to. At twenty-nine, I am planting seeds, waiting to see what sprouts, and what doesn't. Ready to release that which no longer provides nutrients to me and eager to find the nourishment which will.
On the edge of the thirty, anything is possible and it is within this limitless abyss that I find both comfort as well as dread.
Endless possibilities mean just that - an expanding spectrum of life which provides no guarantees or safety nets, but which may lift us to new heights of perception and passion if we let them.
As Saturn returns to me, I find myself contemplating - and re-contemplating, my career, my friendships, my relationships, my role within my family and what exactly my twenties were all about.
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