Time

Somehow four months passed by since my last post. I actually didn't think I would end up posting again, but today I found myself eager to get back on the blog band wagon and face myself and my life in internet technicolor once more.

Now that I think about it, a lot has happened in the past four months - funny how even when I am sure "nothing" is going on, life is busy passing me by, interjecting its little plot twists here and there.

Let's recap the major points now:

March
Rejected from Music Therapy grad school.
Even though I wasn't sure I wanted to be a music therapist, this still really sucked and completely took the wind out of my sails for the rest of the month. I've always wanted to be a musician and I thought combining my love of music with helping people made so much sense. Alas, the universe perhaps has other plans for me.
Good friend has record release party - celebrates the completion of his first album.
Ok, I am happy for him. So happy. But I am also wildly jealous. I wish I had the guts to perform in front of people. I write bits and pieces of songs, but never finish them or share any part of them with others. Spent the weekend of the record release party hating myself for being scared all the time and never fully embracing the part of me that has always longed to be a singer/songwriter - but that's a whole other post. And thus we move on to...

April
Was invited to interview for three Counseling Psychology graduate programs - two in San Francisco and one in New York.
The interviews went really well, but I couldn't stop comparing San Fran to NYC. Torn between my love of New York and my desire for something new and adventurous. Started obsessing about my decision before I was even accepted. Typical me. So, let's get on to...

May
Was accepted into all three Counseling Psychology programs!
"Woohoo!" Followed by "Oh no..." It felt great to be accepted, but where do I go? And more importantly, is this even what I want to do?? (Don't worry, there will be plenty more obsessing about this in the months to come.)
Went home to Florida for Memorial Day weekend.
Sometimes when I am down there I can't believe I ever left. Kept thinking, Maybe I should just move back home. Sigh. And then came...

June
Best friend gets engaged.
Ug, yes. Another one bites the dust. I am happy for her, but also sad that our youth seems to be coming to a close. Didn't we just move to NYC a few years ago? Since when did we get old and start settling down? Not that I was shocked by the engagement - but I definitely had been in denial. At the engagement surprise party her boyfriend/fiance threw for her, I found myself sitting at a dinner table with no less than SIX couples (1 married, 3 engaged and 2 dating) and my single self. I somehow ended up at the head of the table - appropriate for the thirteenth person who clearly didn't fit into this perfect little picture. It was a little like the Last Supper, only clearly I am not Jesus - though, now that I think about it, he was around thirty years old when he sat around the table that night with his disciples. Maybe he was feeling just as awkward as I am these days. Ha. Speaking of all things holy, I then...
Had to make a decision about grad school.
I kept waiting for a sign. A divine sign - a glowing angel clothed in white, scroll in hand, just for me, with directions enscribed on it as to what I am "supposed" to do next. I even read every billboard I saw, hoping a message was embedded within it - code words for my next mission. Then, realized I was 1) not going to get a "sign" and 2) I am just a tad crazy. Which leads me right back to the whole, "Should I even be a counselor" dilemma, as mentioned previously. So now I suppose you want to know about...

Today
Accepted my invitation to the NYC counseling program.
Still unsure if I made the right choice, but I decided to just give myself the option of going, which could always be backed out of at the last minute if I needed to. On the one hand I am excited to go back to grad school (this will actually be my second return to g.s.), but on the other, I hear a small voice in my head asking me what the hell am I doing. What about songwriting, writing, creativity? What about the music industry you committed your early twenties to...is that all over now? And money...remember that credit card debt you've taken on since you moved to NYC? How is that getting paid for on top of school and a potential career path that makes no money? And then the little girl in me screams out: Do I really have to choose one path at the exclusion of all others??

I don't know. Do I?

Here we go again, Saturn Return rearing it's ugly little head. What the hell do you want from me anyway, Saturn?

And so the saga continues. Feeling pulled in a million different directions, and then sometimes, sensing no direction at all.