Jealousy

Last night, I spent about three hours reading one of my old (ex)friend's blogs. I didn't even realize she had a blog until I was doing some late night Facebook stalking and came across a link to her page. The story of of why this friend and I no longer speak is long and boring - actually, it feels long and boring, but it's actually quite simple and probably pretty "normal" in the grand scheme of people's friendships. Basically, I felt as though this friend and I started to have nothing in common. Much of this was tied into what I perceived to be her lack of ambition, her self-righteousness, and her extreme negativity. Ironically, however, after reading her blog last night, lo and behold, she seems to have done a complete 180. Perhaps Saturn Return has affected her just as greatly as it has me. While reading her pages, I felt myself having so many simultaneous thoughts and emotions. At first, I was happy to see that she had made so many positive changes in her life. I even felt relieved in a way, seeing so much of her own struggles to live an authentic creative life echo my own. But then, another force overtook me: jealousy.

I believe it was Shakespeare who coined the term "green-eyed monster" when describing the J word. In my mind, this is such an accurate description for what seems to be an almost living entity which lives inside me, jutting its ugly head out of my from time to time just to make sure I know how far "off-track" I am. For example, while reading this (ex)friend's blog, and realizing that not only was she "getting her life together," but that, for the first time, she was putting herself out there, completely exposed, declaring to the world, that she was and is in fact a writer, determined to be published within the next year. Having always wanted to be a writer, songwriter, artist, etc, myself, as I read, I could feel the J-monster breathing his hot breaths behind me while whispering his dark commentary into my ear (in a low, growling voice): "Look at her. You thought she had no ambition or self discipline and now she is out there writing every single day to hundreds of blog readers! She's going to be a successful, happy writer, and you haven't even completed one of the many songs you've started, or kept up with this blog, or even found a vocation that makes you truly happy."

GRRRRRR....

I hate this green-eyed monster who always manages to make me feel like shit. The truth is though, it's this same monster, who has propelled me towards a constant striving for the best in my life, who pushes me to be true to myself and expand the boundaries of my creative capabilities. And look...here I am on my own blog the very next day, writing, expressing, and yes, maybe even competing a little with her blog. : )

The problem with using blogs to compare yourself with others is that blog writing is usually only a tiny percentage of the real person who is writing. Bloggers can, in a sense, be anyone they want to be. If in "real" life you are shy and withdrawn, in blog-land, you can lead a wild, life-of-the-party existence; if you are always negative and angry, but wish you weren't, the blog will allow you to be positive and perhaps even inspirational to others; or, if you are like me, and spend most of your days pretending to fit-in, and feign contentment and confidence about your "path" in this world, you can live in a Wonderland of perplexing curiousities where you are more real in online anonymity for the entire internet, than you are with even your closest real-life friends and family.

For me, this blog is like getting to be on the other side of the Looking Glass; I get to explore paradoxes, mysteries and the uncertainty of all we are told must be, should be and is absolutely certain.

So, if jealousy must be a green-eyed monster, coveting that which my friends and even ex-friends have, perhaps I should invite this companion into my life as a source of inspiration, rather than shun him from it. If I become more comfortable with my envy-attacks, and actually use them as a source of motivation, maybe I will be one step closer to living one of the lives I am constantly jealous of.


"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?”