Love Eluding

Love, I have decided, completely eludes me. For most people, the act of being in a relationship and/or "falling in love" seems to happen effortlessly and often. This weekend, I went to the most beautiful wedding and was surrounded head to toe by love. Everywhere I looked, happy couples, old and young, were soaking in it, bonded by that sneaky little four letter word. Some of my friends have been dating their boyfriends for years, and I swear they still truly do love each other. In my world, in my mind, this doesn't seem possible for me. Perhaps only some people inherit the gene for being able to fall in love so completely - and when they find another who possesses it as well, it just works. My sister has been dating her boyfriend since college, which means it's been about six or so years. Guess she got the love gene from our parents, but I didn't.

Don't get me wrong: I have loved, but it always seems to be fleeting - temporary, ephemeral. I don't know how to be in love and stay there - to be comfortable inside it. Or maybe I just like the rush of the falling and can't stand the monotony of the loving. Actually, I think I love too much and too soon. And then it all just seems to crumble. Is it that I haven't met the right person yet? Am I doing something wrong? Am I attracted to men who aren't a good "fit" for me? I honestly don't know. I am perplexed.

Over the past week I began a small love affair with a guy in his early (early) twenties. It's been the best sex I have ever had, and now, I am sure, he is going to disappear forever - just drive off, back to where he came from and never speak to me again. Has abandonment become my normal - my "set point"? Why do I get abandoned over and over where as others can sustain their loving relationships?

I love the chase, but I don't know how to stop. Maybe I am addicted to it. I just wish someone would love me completely and wholly as I want to do with them.

The younger guy I have been hooking up with, he reminds me a little bit of my ex who I completely loved. Does that mean I am on the wrong path, or getting closer to the right one? The weird thing is that I actually felt myself sort of falling into a lusty, love thing with him, which is most likely just my fucked up way of preparing myself for what I always expect - to be left. I am so sick of this pattern. I am ready to change it.

Although a part of me rejects relationships, and anything else I have deemed "conventional" - I truly do want to be with someone who I can grow and love with. I feel ready. Perhaps my latest lover isn't ready for this level of commitment, but I am. You hear that UNIVERSE?!? I am ready for love! I am willing to love! And where there is a will, there is a way.

And then, sometimes, I think about E. The one who I've loved for three years now, with no return of love in sight, despite starting out as intimate friends.

Why do these boys only love pieces of me? Sometimes it is the sex, sometimes it is the friendship. What about ALL of me? I want so badly to know what that feels like. And yet, I sit hear re-reading this blog, hating that I am sounding like a whiny, desperate girl. Always feeling as though I am too much or not enough of something.

My wishes:
*To have a longer lasting love affair with my young lover.
*To be wanted by E in a sexual way.
*To be in a relationship with the above two, or a new person (or returning) love interest.

Part of love, for me, is validation. I know it shouldn't be, but It is and I don't know how for it not to be. I need to be validated on a physical AND emotional level. Without this validation, I live in a constant state of questioning about myself. I need other people to make me feel whole. Now before you or I go diagnosing me with some sort of psychological ailment, I just want to say, "Doesn't everyone?" On some level, don't we all get a feeling of wholeness through our relationships with others? I refuse to believe I'm the only one.

I remember being young and going to countless parties with friends. We were single and up for having a good time, a fun hook up, anything to keep the night alive with lusty love. I miss those days. I suppose in someways, I am still living them. But the closer I get to my thirties, the less acceptable these sorts of longings seem to become. I guess this is why I love younger guys. But am I destined to always end up with the "He's Just Not That Into You" sirens flashing through my mind? I hope not. I hope that phase in my life is over and that the new phase will be filled with something more substantial.

In the meantime though, I am hoping that what the young one and I have started can continue in some way.

Anyway...once again, I'm stuck here staring the looking glass, watching myself look so uncomfortable and tired. "Stop squirming!" I hear the Mad Hatter cry out. I wish I could. But love eludes me and I can't tell what I am looking at anymore.