Puzzle Pieces of Me

Lately, I feel as though I am completely and utterly different from all of my "friends." People whom I've been extremely close with since college and even since 7th grade seem so distant from me, or perhaps, I from them. In some ways, it's as though I am looking at everyone in my life through a rear-view mirror. Objects appear rather funny when watching them in reverse. I am moving forward, into the unknown, and they are becoming smaller and smaller, sinking into the distance, "safe" in the perfect little bubbles of life they have created for themselves. Not that any one of my friends would call their lives "perfect," but in my eyes, a striving towards conventionality, stability and all things "safe" seems so...perfectly bland.

Why am I the only one, it seems, who isn't in a rush to grow up and settle down? What is "settling-down" anyway? Why would I want to settle on anything? We aren't picking out fabric colors and settling on the maroon rather than the burgundy, or finding out that our favorite dish is no longer being served, thus settling on another. We are talking about our lives here! I don't want to settle for anything.

Settling also implies a lack of movement and growth, a slowing down, being pulled by the roots further into certainty, boredom, monotony. Settling down? Why not settling UP? Honestly, I am terrified of settling down. I even believe that I am terrified of being in a "real" relationship. Some days, I wake up and feel like I am still in my early twenties, or even in my teens, trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.

How is it that others not only have the growing up thing down pat, but are also rather proud of themselves for being "grownups." I'm not saying I never want to be an independent, confident adult (I think in many ways I already am one), but to throw ourselves into marriages and mortgages? I find it all a bit depressing. The rest of society on the other-hand, is chomping at the bit to get "there" - that magical place of having it "all" - husband, home, car, children. Those things would be nice one day, but at 29, I still don't feel ready. I'll be 30 in three months and I can pretty much guarantee you I won't be ready then either.

Lately, all I hear about are engagement rings, finishing PhDs, and how many weddings people have to go to in a year. For one of my friends, '08 topped out at 8 weddings! THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I just want to run away.

Some of my friends have even given me their time-line as to how much longer they want to live in the city, as if they will go past their expiration date and spoil if they don't get out in time. Once again...ridiculous. And...I JUST WANT TO RUN.

What's sad is that these people, the ones whom I've called my friends for so many years now, I just don't think they "get" me anymore. Clearly I don't get them either, but it's always so much harder to be the only one people don't get, rather than a group of people who one person doesn't get. I feel as though I no longer belong to my own tribe of people. I am the outcast, the outsider, the statistical outlier. Maybe this is the scene in the movie where the protagonist ventures out on her own, in search of some truth - some authentic piece of life that is just out of reach. On this quest, perhaps she will meet an array of new characters, journeying along roads never travelled and battling new monsters never before imagined (but always defeatable). I've always identified with Dorothy as she was pulled off her path and placed in a strange and unfamiliar territory. I even have recurring dreams of tornadoes roaring towards me, despite never having actually seen one in my waking life. And then there's Alice, who, similarly, ventures off on her own to find out what lies on the other side of the looking glass. Or Pandora who opens the box nobody else wants to, because they are all so content with the damn status quo. These ladies - I suppose they are my role models right now. They are the only guides I have, and as silly as that sounds, I feel strangely comforted by them. You see, even when these women first venture out on their own, they are terrified, just like I am right now, but somewhere along the way, they find unexpected treasures and characters who become not only great teachers, but wise, caring and giving friends.

Which leads me to my final thought...it's not just about all of my friends getting married or moving in together or getting their PhDs, because, honestly, these are wonderful things that make them happy and make me happy for them. I just think, for the first time, I am realizing what many of my supposed closest, bestest, life-long friends are made of, and I'm not sure if I like it. I'm realizing that perhaps there is more selfishness involved in these people than I had previously recognized; less creativity and artistry as I had once given them credit for; and an irrefutable urge to settle-down than I had ever imagined possible. In essence: we just don't fit together like we used to.

In fact, I don't know where I fit anymore. I am like a puzzle piece waiting to find my place, or be picked up by the hands of god, or a tornado, or whatever, and placed in my new surroundings, with my new tribe and my authentic piece of life - which may actually just be a more authentic version of me.