Pushing Pause

Right now, all I want to do is to be able to push pause on my life so I can just have some time to figure out what to do next. Life is moving so fast that it makes me want to scream. It's like being on the very top of that first, highest peak of a roller coaster just as it starts to lean forward into the deep dip below. It's exciting, it's terrifying, it's life...and there's no stopping this ride now.

Everything is on rush, fast-forward, high-speed. I will be 30 years old in exactly two months and I feel like I still have so much to do...so much to accomplish, so many things to figure out.

Yesterday I had a huge breakdown - the kind where you can't control the sobbing because it is coming out of you at a raging pace. I felt like an emotional hurricane swept through me and wreaked havoc before slowing fading back out again. I actually had a moment of wanting out. I thought about the Ambien and Klonopin in my drawer. I thought about giving up. And then I thought about Q and my family and I begged God not to let me do it. I decided to reach out and call my mom instead. She said all of the wrong things and all of the right things all at once in that way that only moms can do. If I ever have any success in counseling, it will be because of her.

Which brings me to point #1:
I'm still trying to figure out if counseling is what I want to do or if the program I am in is the right one for me. I'm trying to reconcile my past life in the music business with this new me who I am not quite sure came into being. Who am I? What am I doing? And where am I going? I literally feel as if life itself has been trying to push me out of the music industry, as if it's the wrong path - not my destiny. So what is my destiny, my dharma?

I feel as though I can't go back to the record business, at least not as an employee. It's devastatingly sad actually. I spent ten years of my life paying "dues" for something I only went on to leave. But I just feel like I've changed in such a way that it would honestly be impossible to go back to what I used to do and who I used to be. Not that I have changed so dramatically as a person, but I've been shown a different side of life that doesn't fit with my old version of it. A door was opened for me and I walked through it, not realizing that I would forever be changed. I am luminary right now. Is that the right word? A person who is between two worlds - not belonging to one or the other. I am in transition. I am the space between words - the moment after a sentence has been spoken and the other has yet to be said.

Yeah, I know, too many metaphors. I'll stop now, but the bottom line is that I am questioning everything right now. Which leads me back to the title of this entry. I don't want it to all keep rushing forward, but I also don't want it to stop. I just want to be able to pause for a moment and reflect on what makes the most sense. The thing is, life, I've learned, never makes sense looking forward. It is only looking backward that it appears to have some sort of pattern - a path carved out much the same way a river carves it's own path in the earth - winding, bending, unpredictable, but with purpose, conviction and knowing that it is going exactly the way it should be.

I can't decide if going back to school has been my convenient way of not having a full-time job, or if it really is what I want to do. I love the learning, but what about the doing? Will I like BEING a counselor, or do I just like learning about the techniques and working on my own shit?

I actually started seeing a new therapist this week. She is completely different from Dolores and even works in a way that is completely different from the way that I am being trained. She went to the University of Santa Monica where she learned Spiritual Counseling Psychology. It was weird to me that she didn't want more info about my biosocialpsych history, but we delved directly into counseling and within half an hour I felt my emotions all bubbling to the surface. I felt it was time to start dealing with R (my ex from 6 years ago who 's break up with me has had a profound effect on all of my subsequent "relationships" since him). I know that I need to deal with my feelings of worthlessness related to R and men in general and seeing a therapist with a spiritual slant feels much more holistic to me than a straight up psycho-dynamic therapist. Maybe her path will end up being one that I can follow, parallel or mirror in some way. We shall see...

Of course I want to deal with my issues related to career as well and I'm sure those will be popping up sooner rather than later. Primary among my concerns is...

POINT #2:
Do I want to pursue songwriting? And if yes, why have I not/am I not doing so? And if no, then why am I still obsessing about it. I need to figure out what being a "songwriter" means to me. Is it actually about being a recording artist? Or is it about writing a hit song for another person to sing? Or is it both? And how do I focus on songwriting and counseling at the same time? And where is this all leading me?

There are so many options and alternatives, but I suppose one doesn't have to choose anything. You just live your life, day by day, moment by moment, one step at a time. Such a strange concept to grasp but it is true. I think I also want to work on my vision board. I was thinking about starting a brand new one. Condensing and focusing it, taking off those things which no longer feel appropriate. But perhaps everything still is appropriate. I just need to give myself the time to work on it. I'm really attempting to devise a schedule for myself that not only incorporates my school work, but one that has carved out time for my creativity, spirituality and health. These are very important facets of my life and ones which I know that I cannot ignore without moving into deep states of depression.

My homework for my therapist for this week was two-fold: 1) create a "Joy List" - recording all of those things which bring me joy (seems simple, but it was actually a challenge for me and 2) write out an "Acknowledgement List" every day where I acknowledge myself for at least three things. This is to work on my "I'm good enough" muscle which has grown week and atrophied over the years, probably both as a result of my family upbringing, and my breakups with R & E and semi-break ups with crushes, J & K. The truth is, I often feel pretty shitty about myself and sometimes even think that I am so repulsive that no guy would ever want to be with me for long periods of time. It makes me sad when I hear myself say this, but it's a voice in my head that often takes precedent over all other voices - even the logical ones. I also want to incorporate these things into my gratitude journal (which is inactive at the moment) and my Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love) suggestions which consist of recording your favorite moment of the day in which you felt most alive, and your completion to the sentence: "Today I really, really, really want..."

All of these concepts are about re-shifting the focus in your thoughts, your observations and thereby your experiences.

Maybe I will start a new journal for these things this week. Starting fresh is something I am quite drawn to I suppose. And when I can't start fresh, I at least like to push pause so that I can gather my thoughts and come up with solutions to some of my problems. But alas, pushing pause is not an option in life is it? So I must just keep going, doing the best I can and working on my "I'm good enough" muscle. Life is a process. And as my drama therapy teacher always says, "Stay curious."