Saturn Return

Well I made it through my official Saturn Return (September 5-12th), marking Saturn's complete orbit around the sun and back to the exact position it was in on the day I was born. And so, I suppose I am beginning again, starting anew as Saturn tirelessly begins it's second go-round. In some ways, I do feel like a new chapter has started in my life. Chapter 2? They say Scorpios always have three main chapters in their lives. The number three has always felt significant to me actually. I can't explain why, but it just intuitively seems significant.

For some reason, I've been thinking a lot about Q tonight. I actually wrote a song that he sort of inspired. Well, actually, it's a song about all of the suicides (and suicide attempts) which have touched my life in some way. The song flew out of me, as if I didn't even write it. I still have work to do on it, but the main sentiment is there already. I view this song as therapy for ME, rather than something I would put out into the public. It is graphic because I think I needed it to be. I needed to get up close to these suicides and see them exactly as they were - gruesome, sad, messy and in some ways, peaceful. I also needed to figure out my role in each of the suicides and how they affected me and I affected (or rather, did not have any affect on) them. Suiciders always distance themselves from people, so you often don't even know how deeply they are feeling their lives. I go back an forth between being a victim to being a rescuer - both in my own life as well as in theirs. Here are the lyrics as they stand now:

He held a gun up to his head
He said, "If this is life, I'd rather be dead."
He pulled the trigger and fell to the floor
And then his life existed no more.

I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If i knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?

She was always good with words
Most popular and most adored
Then she popped a pill or three
Never woke up from her dream.

I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?

He held his breath for a while
Walked to the edge and jumped with a smile
Forty-four floors on his way down
Finally free, bones crushing on the ground

I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?

(break)

Now I'm on the kitchen floor
Needing less, but wanting more
Searching for some strength within
I've had enough, but I won't give in

I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, 'cause
If I knew, if I knew I would have saved you

No I never knew, I never knew, the pain inside you, but
If I knew, if I knew, could I have saved you?

I hope you're at peace now.
I think you're at peace now.
I feel you're at peace now.
I know you're at peace now.


So, there it is. I don't usually share my songs with anyone, not even the anonymous people of the internet. I actually think I need/want to change this though. I am sick of hiding my songs. I am sick of holding back. I'm almost thirty and I've been dreaming about writing and recording songs since I was seven! It's time to be brave. I was thinking today that I should take another songwriting class, just to work on getting more comfortable presenting my songs in front of others, and of course, working on finishing those songs that are stubbborn about being finished. I don't really have time to add another thing in to my crazy schedule, but if I don't make room for songwriting in my life, I feel that I will whither.

And perhaps this is the biggest lesson of Saturn returning to me. It is whispering messages as we pass in the night - reminding me of how important it is to express all of who I am to the world and honoring every part of me, from the artist, to the healer, to the counselor. They are all me. We are intertwined and inseperable. I may have left the record industry as an employee, but my soul has always been inside the music, just as music has always been inside my soul. I am many things, not just one or even two. We learn, we build, we expand and we grow. And it is not by staying in the same place. It is by exploring paths that scare us, driving along scenic routes and taking unexpected journeys. I grew up with parents who made me feel as if I had choose one thing and stick with it, but why not choose many things and let them drift in and out of your life naturally and dynamically? Life is not straight-forward or simple. It is anything but. I was told by my two accountant parents that one plus one always equals two, and that all problems have solutions. This is a nice idea, but what if we can allow ourselves to live somewhere in the middle where not everything has to make sense - where ambiguity can actually feed the soul rather than pick away at it. If life is paradoxical, why not allow it to be without trying to squeeze it into a box shaped the way you think it should be shaped? These are the lessons my twenties have taught me. And as Saturn makes it departure back out into the darkness again, I too am being pulled out into the unknown - into places and spaces I never expected to go or see, but which, at the same time, feel so neccessary and important.

I have no idea who is steering the crazy ship that I am on right now, but it does at least feel like there's a captain somewhere. I don't feel as though I am drifting, but even if I am, maybe that's the point of all of this - to be ok with letting go and just seeing where life takes you. Easier said than done, I'm afraid, but at least I can tap into this idea every once in a while.

And on that note, I should try to sleep. It's 3am and my insomnia appears to be in high gear. Here's to drifting...

Pandora