Here in the city of New York, it is often difficult to find a doctor who will actually sit down and talk with you. I have been fortunate enough to find one such doctor. When I visit him he not only asks me questions about my physical health, but also inquires about my mental and spiritual health. He truly is an integrative, holistic practitioner (and he takes my health insurance!)
The last time I visited him he looked me in the eyes and said with sincerity, "So, how are you doing? How is your life right now?"
I sat there puzzled for a second, momentarily thrown off by his genuine interest and concern. How is my life right now? I thought. Good question, Doc.
"I don't know," I said. "Honestly, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I look around at my friends, and my friend's friends and they all seem to sort of have things figured out. They know where they are going. They have a path. I don't seem to have any of that right now. I actually feel completely lost."
Doc smiled at me and nodded his head as if he too had experienced a moment of similar panic as he approached his thirtieth birthday.
"You know," he said. "You are exactly where you need to be right now. All those other people, they are like cows being herded into some big farm. Being lost - being a little off track - this is the place where true individuality takes shape. You are on your own path. Yes, it's a little scary, but would you honestly rather be one of those mindless cows, moving through life never veering off course a little bit to really explore."
I took a deep breath and sighed for a moment, clinging to his wise words as if I was meeting with my Guru on some Ashram in India.
"Yes, but it's just so terrifying. I feel"...
"Trust me," he interrupted, "The unknown - it's one of the best places you'll ever be."
I left the appointment that day running his words over and over again in my head. Maybe he's right. Maybe uncertainty is where it's at right now. But why do I still feel as though everyone around me has it all figured out, while I feel like I am 16 years old trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up?
I hate this.
Doc, I hope you are right. I don't want to be one of those cows.
Monday, March 3, 2008
On the Edge of Thirty
They say at age twenty-nine, the planet Saturn makes it way back around the orbit of the sun and returns to the exact place it was in the skies on the day we were born...a twenty-nine year trip, which supposedly results in the stirring up of all aspects of our lives, forcing us to live in a more authentic way than we ever have before. Old ways of living which no longer serve us are either forced out of our lives or asked to be gently removed - all resulting in one giant purge of emotional baggage and the letting go of people, relationships and situations which no longer serve us.
I am truly in the midst of my Saturn Return - twenty-nine years old - feeling pulled in so many different directions at once. Clueless and yet, clued-in for the first time in my life about who I might be and where I might be headed. In some ways, I feel like my life is in this strange tabula rossa period where I must re-write and rebuild everything around me, making script changes here and there, tearing down old sets, and perhaps even removing a few of the characters who no longer move the plot line that is me and my life forward.
This blog is about that strange time in all of our lives where, on the edge of thirty, we are brought face to face with ourselves (and our shadows).
Every part of my current life, both "good" and "bad" is being weeded through, plucked and picked at, up-rooted and, for the first time in a while, actually tended to. At twenty-nine, I am planting seeds, waiting to see what sprouts, and what doesn't. Ready to release that which no longer provides nutrients to me and eager to find the nourishment which will.
On the edge of the thirty, anything is possible and it is within this limitless abyss that I find both comfort as well as dread.
Endless possibilities mean just that - an expanding spectrum of life which provides no guarantees or safety nets, but which may lift us to new heights of perception and passion if we let them.
As Saturn returns to me, I find myself contemplating - and re-contemplating, my career, my friendships, my relationships, my role within my family and what exactly my twenties were all about.
I am truly in the midst of my Saturn Return - twenty-nine years old - feeling pulled in so many different directions at once. Clueless and yet, clued-in for the first time in my life about who I might be and where I might be headed. In some ways, I feel like my life is in this strange tabula rossa period where I must re-write and rebuild everything around me, making script changes here and there, tearing down old sets, and perhaps even removing a few of the characters who no longer move the plot line that is me and my life forward.
This blog is about that strange time in all of our lives where, on the edge of thirty, we are brought face to face with ourselves (and our shadows).
Every part of my current life, both "good" and "bad" is being weeded through, plucked and picked at, up-rooted and, for the first time in a while, actually tended to. At twenty-nine, I am planting seeds, waiting to see what sprouts, and what doesn't. Ready to release that which no longer provides nutrients to me and eager to find the nourishment which will.
On the edge of the thirty, anything is possible and it is within this limitless abyss that I find both comfort as well as dread.
Endless possibilities mean just that - an expanding spectrum of life which provides no guarantees or safety nets, but which may lift us to new heights of perception and passion if we let them.
As Saturn returns to me, I find myself contemplating - and re-contemplating, my career, my friendships, my relationships, my role within my family and what exactly my twenties were all about.
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